Week 17 was a wild ride, filled with unexpected twists and turns that left some teams soaring high while others crashed and burned. Let's dive right in, shall we? captain beef narrowly edged out Burrow This L, proving that even a solid performance isn't always enough in this ruthless league. Sorry, Burrow, but you'll have to settle for being the runner-up this time. STROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN couldn't quite outshine Suce mes billes, leaving them with a bitter taste in their mouths. Better luck next time, STROUD, but at least you didn't have to face the dreaded Meat Mountain. Oh, Bones Knows, you've really done it this time. Getting demolished by Marty Cold Cutz like that? Yikes. Better start practicing your competitive eating skills because that Meat Mountain is calling your name. Rotenheimer managed to squeak past DaCreamist, but let's be real, it was a close call. Maybe next time, DaCreamist can whip up something a little more impressive. Nutty Toilets, you really flushed that one down the drain, didn't you? Getting trounced by King of Brentwood like that? Ouch. Better start working on your game plan because that Meat Mountain isn't going to eat itself. And last but not least, BIG LUMBER, you really fell short against Matty Ice Tea. Matty, you must be feeling pretty chill right about now, huh? Just don't let that victory go to your head, or you might end up choking on that Meat Mountain. All in all, it was a week filled with surprises, upsets, and plenty of trash talk. Let's see what Week 18 has in store for these brave (or not-so-brave) souls!
Tee Higgins (King of Brentwood): 40.10 points
What a roller coaster of a matchup! captain beef stormed out of the gates with a phenomenal performance from Jalen McMillan, who put up a whopping 23 points. Jonathan Taylor also delivered a solid 27.6 points, cementing captain beef's dominance. However, Burrow This L refused to go down without a fight, as Joe Burrow unleashed an absolute masterclass, racking up a jaw-dropping 36.98 points. Travis Kelce and Jaylen Warren also chipped in respectable scores, but it wasn't enough to overcome captain beef's onslaught. In the end, captain beef emerged victorious in this high-scoring affair, securing bragging rights for the week.
captain beef: 138.50 points (Win)
Burrow This L: 130.08 points (Loss)
What a rollercoaster of a matchup! STROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN edged out Suce mes billes with a solid team effort, led by Mike Evans' explosive 29.70 points. Bo Nix also chipped in with a respectable 21.86, while the Buccaneers D/ST racked up 16 points. On the other side, Suce mes billes had a few bright spots, like Brian Thomas Jr.'s 23.90 points and Ja'Marr Chase's 19.20. However, the team was plagued by disappointing performances from Kyler Murray and the Cardinals D/ST. Better luck next time, Suce mes billes!
STROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN: 119.66 points (Win)
Suce mes billes: 111.74 points (Loss)
Well, this matchup was a true showcase of contrasting fortunes. While Bones Knows struggled to find their groove, Marty Cold Cutz absolutely dominated the field. Joe Mixon's lackluster performance of 5.9 points must have left Bones Knows feeling like they were trying to paddle upstream. On the other hand, Marty Cold Cutz was firing on all cylinders, with Malik Nabers leading the charge with an impressive 36.1 points. It's safe to say that Marty Cold Cutz left Bones Knows feeling a bit, well, boneless after that thrashing.
Bones Knows: 110.10 points (Loss)
Marty Cold Cutz: 151.58 points (Win)
Well, that was quite the rollercoaster ride in the battle between Rotenheimer and DaCreamist! Rotenheimer's squad went off like a Roman candle, with Brock Purdy and DeVonta Smith putting up video game numbers. Meanwhile, DaCreamist had a mixed bag, with Lamar Jackson and Adam Thielen shining bright, but Cooper Kupp and the Colts D/ST dragging them down like an anchor. In the end, Rotenheimer's depth and explosiveness proved too much for DaCreamist to overcome, securing a hard-fought victory in what was undoubtedly an entertaining matchup for the ages.
Rotenheimer: 144.18 points (Win)
DaCreamist: 137.02 points (Loss)
Talk about a fantasy beatdown! While the Nutty Toilets had a few decent showings from Gibbs, Kittle, and Goff, they were no match for the King of Brentwood's onslaught. Tee Higgins alone outscored the entire Toilet squad, and the dynamic duo of Allen and Hill added insult to injury. Not to mention the Eagles D feasting on turnovers like it was an all-you-can-eat buffet. This matchup was a classic case of bringing a plunger to a sword fight. Better luck next time, Nutty Toilets – maybe consider a rebranding?
Nutty Toilets: 85.82 points (Loss)
King of Brentwood: 157.98 points (Win)
Oof, BIG LUMBER must have wished they had some actual big lumber to bludgeon their opponents with after that dismal showing. With Terry McLaurin and Alexander Mattison delivering duds, and Rachaad White leading the charge with a whopping 4.40 points, they were outclassed by Matty Ice Tea's balanced attack. Tyler Conklin emerged as an unlikely hero, while Bijan Robinson and Drake London showed why they were high draft picks. Though Joe Flacco quarterbacked the winning team, his pedestrian performance suggests Matty Ice Tea succeeded despite him, not because of him. Better luck next week, BIG LUMBER – or should we say "Tiny Twigs"?
BIG LUMBER: 98.46 points (Loss)
Matty Ice Tea: 119.70 points (Win)
| teamId | teamName | wins | losses | pointsFor | pointsAgainst | owner | lowestScoringTeam | playoffSeed |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 12.00 | Burrow This L | 11.00 | 3.00 | 1679.50 | 1598.24 | Burrow This L | 0.00 | 1.00 |
| 8.00 | Marty Cold Cutz | 8.00 | 6.00 | 1709.12 | 1656.66 | Marty Cold Cutz | 0.00 | 2.00 |
| 9.00 | Suce mes billes | 8.00 | 6.00 | 1680.78 | 1554.14 | Suce mes billes | 0.00 | 3.00 |
| 4.00 | captain beef | 8.00 | 6.00 | 1638.80 | 1729.26 | captain beef | 0.00 | 4.00 |
| 2.00 | Bones Knows 🫡 | 8.00 | 6.00 | 1619.00 | 1650.66 | Bones Knows | 0.00 | 5.00 |
| 13.00 | King of Brentwood | 6.00 | 8.00 | 1784.08 | 1777.52 | King of Brentwood | 0.00 | 6.00 |
| 14.00 | DaCreamist | 6.00 | 8.00 | 1701.96 | 1624.02 | DaCreamist | 0.00 | 7.00 |
| 5.00 | PENIX PUMPERS! | 8.00 | 6.00 | 1560.66 | 1580.26 | STROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN | 0.00 | |
| 1.00 | Drew Pebauls | 6.00 | 8.00 | 1603.50 | 1525.24 | Rotenheimer | 16.00 | |
| 10.00 | Nutty Toilets | 6.00 | 8.00 | 1567.38 | 1614.58 | Nutty Toilets | 1.00 | |
| 7.00 | Matty Ice Tea | 5.00 | 9.00 | 1626.24 | 1615.30 | Matty Ice Tea | 0.00 | |
| 11.00 | BIG LUMBER | 4.00 | 10.00 | 1520.32 | 1765.46 | BIG LUMBER | 0.00 |